Tips for co-parenting over the holidays
California parents know the holiday season can mean making wonderful memories with their children, but it can also mean stress if co-parenting is involved. This is understandable, since sharing the children during the holidays with a co-parent is often challenging and requires patience and compromise.
Disputes over holiday schedules usually occur when you do not have a parenting time order in place with a court or one parent needs to change the current order on file.
When you do not have a parenting time order
If you do not have a custody order in place, plan ahead and communicate with your co-parent about holiday plans at the beginning of the holiday season. Pick the right time and place for the conversation. Try not to do it during a custody exchange and never do it in front of the children.
Tell your co-parent your plans in detail. Do not give vague statements about what you might do on certain days. State the start and end times for each parent’s time on each holiday and decide how transportation will be handled.
When you have a parenting time order
If you have a parenting time order, follow it. Review the terms of the agreement carefully and verify that you both agree on what the terms mean.
There will likely come a time when the terms in your agreement do not work. Maybe one year there is a special event that you want to attend with your children that falls during your co-parent’s custody time, or vice versa.
You are not bound by the terms of your parenting time order if you and your co-parent agree on a change. Flexibility and compromise are essential.
When your co-parent asks you to change the schedule, do not refuse simply out of spite. Allowing the change will go a long way. Remember that one day you might be the one requesting a change and you would like your co-parent to have the same gracious attitude towards you.
Coordinating gift giving
Gift giving is a common area of dispute between co-parents. Communicate with your co-parent about what gifts you plan to give the children to prevent duplicate gifts.
Coordinating gifts also prevents situations where one parent gives a major gift and the other does not. Be open to different ideas, such as each of you giving one major gift or buying one major gift and splitting the cost.
You cannot control the outcome of situations and disputes around the holidays happen even in the best co-parenting relationships. When you find yourself in conflict with your co-parent, remember the overall goal is to create good memories for your children.
Children often pick up on tension between parents and mirror their parents’ behavior when they get older. They will learn how to handle complex or stressful situations based on what they observe in you.
When you may need to go back to court
Changing a holiday schedule because of an unexpected event or situation for one year does not usually require you to submit a new parenting agreement to the court or file a motion to modify parenting time.
However, if the situation is expected to interrupt your holiday parenting time schedule for ensuing years, it might be best to modify your current parenting time order. This prevents you from addressing the issue each year and clarifies expectations for the coming years.